Poetry Challenge day 1

Wonder about me
In your dreams when
Lilies bloom and
Laughter echoes
On the freshly painted
Walls of your mind

Damnit

Is it too good to
Be true that these
Bruised and battered
Shards of me could
Create something that
Glistens proudly in
The company of the 
Morning dew

Those lustful eyes
And that smile that
Could fill an entire room
Do they still hide in my
Sunken face could I still
Feel like I did when 18
Was a race to see just
How much of a fucking
Person I could honestly be

And even though I
Want to believe it as
Much as I want to think
Maybe it’s possible that you
Could be worth my time
And that something is different
That you could be there
When things fall apart
And my pathetic heart won’t
Be looking at you
Illegally blind

Is there another book to write
Or are they right
About you and me
I miss you every fucking
Day how could you have
Thrown me the fuck
Away and now you want
Me again you miss the
Warmth of my mouth
And the healing of the
Tiny glints of positivity within

But what happens when
You have to be bigger
Than yourself

Could you man up
And deserve more
Of me than anyone else
Because for some god
Forsaken reason that’s
What you have you sit
Inside me like gum in
My stomach like the way
Red stays on coals even
After the flames are gone
And the leftover smoke is black

When I tell Sarah
About you she listens
But her loyalties are clear
And she asks where were
You when I left home
And I was young and stupid
And terrified and terribly alone
Where were you when I was
Supposed to be safe
When we were supposed to
Be building a life and getting
A place where were you
When I cried myself to sleep
At night when my baby was
Gone and I was sorry and
Dead and defeated all at
One time where were you

Well at that point
You were in the very
Next fucking room

Cos won’t even listen
To the mention of you
Any more protective
As he is and swears
He’d knock you out
If he ever saw you again
He’s the one that had
To take care of me get 
Me drunk and make me laugh
Make me write hear me cry
Over the past two years
Every time you disappeared

I know I’m not a
Fucking saint you
Could bury me whole
For some of the ignorant
Shit I’ve pulled but I swear
I never had bad intentions
Only bad judgement and
A selfish heart

But I can’t be that
Person anymore
I have to be better than
Half assed connectivity
And being ok with sealed
Lips and locked doors
That wouldn’t open even
If the knock came at the
Right time there’s no
Reason or logic or rhyme
Scheme to explain it
I just have to change it

So I’m begging you
Please if I mean
Anything
Prove it
Don’t make me wonder
Have the patience to
Make me a treasure
Not just a tendency
A trademark trash marker
You throw out when
You can’t handle me
These words don’t change
What I’ve said only

Supplement 
The dangerous
Fear that brought me
Here to this basement cage
The tragedy of bearing
With acting my age

I just have to fucking
Feel again and it doesn’t
Have to be endless
It doesn’t have to be
Engulfing it doesn’t
Have to consume me
But it must fucking move me
I am one of a kind
I am more precious than
Any stone any kingdom
Any time day or night
Any moment in anyone’s life

I am more
Than a face and
A name and I deserve
The entire
Fucking
World

And I am tired
Of circus games

One day I’ll be in one
Maybe on areal silks
Maybe with fire
Maybe with horses even
Who knows

But I’m so goddamn
Special and I’m finally not
Afraid to say it and demand
It be recognized so don’t
Waste me whatever role
You want with me

Earn it
Please
Please
Please

Make me
Understand
I’m actually worth
Something to you
No matter what
You have to do

Just make my heart
Sacred and chase
After my soul
Let me be beautiful
Let me blossom
Let me be whole again
And be there to see it

These are
The things
My mind makes
Madness of
Tonight

These sad songs
Come on and
I remember how
Much of me was us

How many of my
Dreams were walking
Around with you
Getting into trouble

Knowing it was
Just a matter of
Time in the sadly
And secretly sane
Parts of my head
Like always
Until it was too much
And you cut me without
Even a courtesy callback

Shows how fit I
Never was for show biz
The idea of a courtesy
Callback even in metaphor
Is the most ridiculous
Thing I might have
Ever come up with

When did we stop
Being friends,
Darling?

Why is it
So easy to make
Myself believe
You could be different
And I could too
And life could go on
Without a hitch

Knowing when I start
To put those pictures
Together late at night
When I’m falling asleep
My eyes get a little wet
Because I barely know
You anymore

And that’s when I
Wonder if the love
I always knew would
Last forever
Might have lost its
Way between us

Peace Made

I fell asleep listening
To you talk last night
And the last thing
I heard was a stoic
Goodnight, Willow

At the moment
Before my phone
Died exhausted from
Our hours of conversation

So you didn’t hear
My goodnight
But I think it may
Have gotten to you
Through some open
Window in the universe
No one seems to remember
To lock those anymore

I wanted to thank you
For such a delightful
And riveting interaction
Like I told you
I don’t remember the
Last time someone sat
Up and exchanged ideas
With me into the earliest
Of morning hours

I mean there are
Late nights of course
But like that one
From philosophy to
Personal inventory
To the comedy of
The spit and shake
And bears on back decks
I enjoyed every minute

So thank you
For having a mind
Worth picking
And the patience
And endurance
To withstand the
Stormclouds of mine

I wonder
Who I seem
To be to those
That knew me well
Back when I knew
Myself

Perhaps
The stranger
Danger alarms
Go off

Or maybe
Nobody
Notices

I wish I could
Burn this away
And shirk off my
Sad smile with
A kiss to the sun

But alas
No lamp oil
Or white gas
Or Kevlar to
Light

I volunteer
As tribute

Sometimes I 
Write for ages
And then in
One terrible
Innocent moment
The words just
Disappear

I wish
You were
Next to me
In moments

Like

That

July Eighteenth

Three months ago
Today I put four
Misopropil tablets
In the spaces between
Gum and cheek
And proceeded
To bleed out the
Baby I wouldn’t
Have deserved

I’ve learned a lot
About myself in the
Months following
My abortion

My life has changed
Drastically since
That day

The woman that
Walked into planned
Parenthood {such
An interesting name
For such a place I’ve
Always thought}
On April 17th for
Those prescriptions
Is not the same one

That sits here
Removing the
Sutures I had to
Lace into my soul
As part upon part
Of me leaked into
The toilet in our
Apartment

I don’t live
There
Anymore

I moved back
In with my 
Mother

I’m applying
For part time work
In a little dirty suburb
Outside of Baltimore
I’m signed up for a
Semester of community
College and I have

My cat
Danger
One of her kittens
Edgar
And my beloved
Dog
Blue

I don’t go
Out much
But I don’t
Mind terribly

I wanted to
Kill myself for
A long time

I might consider
Myself agnostic

Somebody denying
Something is knowable

Who doubts that
A question has one
Correct answer or that
Something can be
Completely understood

Because I ask
Myself who I am
Every fucking day
And Although I am
The one that gets
To decide
If I’ve learned anything
This year it’s that

Not everything
Is knowable
And you have
To keep wondering

You’re Asleep And I’m Writing To You

I wonder what
I’m going to think
Of myself when I
Look back on this
In a year or two

If I’ll be able
To sigh pleasantly
Run my fingers 
Through my hair
Tell myself I made
The right choices
In the end

I wonder what
Colour it’ll be
What state I’ll
Be living in
How long I’ll be
Able to keep my
License from
Being suspended
Again

I wonder if I’ll
Be waking up

Next to
You
Then

Funny how that
Thought creeps
Into the back of
My mind
Always

How I breathe
You in like
Ketamine
Short sharp breaths
At first
Until I can really 
Feel you again
And then I get brave
And the burn
Becomes a sting
I yearn for
Masochistic as I am
As most of us are

You 
Drip down the
Back of my throat
And I try to

Stay
Hydrated

So I can keep
Moving at full
Speed
And slow motion
All at one time

Caustic View
And casual confessions
That I hope are
Enough for you

I just want
You to be
Happy

Like I want 
To be happy
Myself

I hope it’s something
I can help give to you

I want to draw
Your tattoos
And work in
Your studio
And burn while
You’re on stage
Some night covered
In black light paint
As techno claims
Another million
Victims

I want you to
Be at my gallery
Show drinking cheap
Wine and playing a
Live set you make up
As you go because we’re
Both that comfortable in
Our art by then

I want to smear
Cake all over your
Snarky face and
Walk my dog with you
And feed our cats
And teach our kids
Sign language and
French and how to
Change a tire before
They’re teenagers

I want to be able
To tell you what
I’m thinking
And not feel like
Two strangers have
Suddenly inhabited the
Room and nobody is
Listening to anything
Anyone has said

Because that’s
How I feel with 
Most humans now
And that doesn’t
Suit me at all

I want you to hold
Me and I want to hold
You back and I want
To revel in the
Simple, sweet, sacred
Comfort of my head
On your chest while
Your heart beats abnormally
Quickly; but not for you
Of course
It always beats
That way

If all of this 
Sounds terrible
To you
Please just
Shake my hand
And declare my
Defeat
I will walk away 
And never return
Except in all
My 
Twisted
Dreams

But if it at all
Tickles your fancy
I’d really like to
Get closer on {in}
New and uncharted
Planes
Territories
Sectors and such

Here are 
The
Words
You asked
About

They
Came

In my recently
Officially established
State of oneness
And singular being

I have been
Processing some
Of my tried and
Maybe not so
True ideas

Polyamory
For example
Is a standard
I’ve clung to for
A while now

I figured I could
Avoid the damage
Done by the abuse
Of emotional influence
That can easily go
Awry in basket cases
Like myself

Alas, I failed to
Appreciate the 
Tracks my heart
Runs on
Laid with the dream
Of somebody that
Has the strangest
Dreams about me

And my wandering
Isle of a soul
That wished for
Seeing the world

Should have known
That I could never
Outrun those dark
Things that infect
My frontal lobe when
I refuse to feel my way
Over thin ice

I hear blood is thicker
But that I rarely
Believed

Maybe now
That I’m going to
Go to school I’ll
Be able to identify
The molecular 

Differences and
Then I’ll inform
Us all

RAWR

Foolish Girl

Broken heart
Mending with each
Passing moon
Finally willing to
Sleep alone
Again

Knowing what
I’ve done and
Where I’ve been
Is part unfinished
Business now more
Than half
Attended to and
Part shadow creature
Crawling amongst
The mostly alive
Gasping for air

I care
I do
But not like
You

My heart lies
Elsewhere
With my kind
Of rapture
I’ve seen the
End of the world
A few times over
And this one was
Not that different
It just took a
Little longer

You, my fellow
Capricorn,
You were there
For me in terrible
Storms and I can
No longer leave you
In the rain and not 
Feel remorse

So I’ve said
No more
Please be my
Friend

So much of my
Inhibitions with
You have to do
With the fear of
Being alone

I’ve tried to 
Open my eyes
To that 
So maybe I can
Stop throwing you
Under the bus

Because fuck, man
You try so hard 
To make good for me
And honestly through
A lot of that shit I don’t
Know how I would have
Even achieved minuscule
Amounts of functionality
Without your help
You are a fantastic friend
And I won’t pretend you
Didn’t give me the feels
Because you did

But I am not
In love with you

And I can
Admit that
I’m sorry I’m
Not the proper
Dream

Waking up
From me might
Require some
Therapy

I do miss your
Company
And you’re one
Of my dear friends
I hope we can
Still be
Team 

Crapricorn

oy

Maybe I’m just a
Viper with a blackened heart
Not made for saving

I’m dying inside
But I can’t be
Dead anymore

Do you disappear
If I have to take
It back

What if what I
Can give is 
Everything I have
But not at one time
Because I don’t
Have much left

It’s a paralyzing
Responsibility
That I’m not equipped
To fulfill

I’m tearing myself
Apart over something
As simple as a word
And as complex as
Hoping to salvage
Myself
Without losing
You in the process

Would I though?
Aren’t you more
Than that by far?

I still want to call
You baby
But I don’t think 
I’m ready to belong

Is it toxic
To keep 
Choking down
The words

Is it worth the
Struggle to 
Be something I
Don’t know if I am
In order to maintain
A certain level of
Expectation?

My feelings
Don’t change
But my mind wraps
Around the concept
Like a hungry boa
Squeezing the
Peace out of me

Yet
You kiss me
You hug me
You speak to me

And I can’t help
But be pleased

What is
This useless
Turmoil

Is it that
Outlandish?

I wonder if
The answer
Will even serve
Me well when
It comes

I’m writing though

Team Crapricorn

We’re all home
Now that the morning
Has unfolded

I say I love you
And I know I mean it
And I know it’s not
The way you do
But is it that different?

Is it so hard for
Me to accept real
Affection?

I keep saying it’s
A bad idea and
Doing it anyway

Am I fooling us
Into keeping each
Other captive?

You beg my brain
To believe in who
I am, who I could be

You look at me
And see something
Spectacular

I can’t pretend
I completely disagree
But The Shins are
Playing and I don’t
Know how the fuck
I’m making the gas
For this trip
My last one for a bit

Trying to work for
My mom but my mind
Is else where

Trying to justify 
Locking you in my heart

I barely know 
Left from right
And I want you
As part of this fight
We’re soldiers
When we stand 
Together

And a warrior
I’ll have to be
To navigate the
Trench I’ve been
Lying in
Next to you
And even though

You make me
Brave

I wonder how
Detrimental it is
To my fucked up
Psyche to call myself
Yours

I like the sound
Of it at first
And then it sits on
My tongue and I
Can’t swallow

What is that?
Where the fuck did
It come from?

asdlfjalfkjasdlkfjasdflkjasdflkjasdf

What is wrong with me?

Oh I don’t know
Maybe my heart
Is healing and trying
Not to destroy itself

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Eat me
I will be a tomato sammich.

You said to me
What I already knew
We take each other’s
Poison with pleasure

Brand New Colony
Is playing and I
See you with eyes
That chose not to lie

Even though I admit
I thought about it for
A few minutes before
I decided who I 
Really want to be

Self deprecating
But not hopeless
A new chapter
A new book even

The anger wasn’t
In your eyes and the
Cold had left you

Did you notice it
In me?
I wonder for wondering’s
Sake

I think we were
Always better 
This way

Safe distance
As to keep ourselves
Pertinently sane

You said you guess
You’ll just be one of
Those boys I stay with
From time to time

Lol

If that’s who we
Are and we can
Do it amicably

We’ll have accomplished
More than I gave us
Credit for yesterday

And less than I 
Would have
Two months ago

Oh the people 
We’ve become

Time to pull the
Final trigger
Drive up with
Empty boxes and
Leave with something
Bigger than
Goodbye on
My own time

A new leaf
A dedicated
Climb up and
Out over the
Mouth of the
Cave that was
Me loving you

A crime I committed
And admitted for
Years on end
No longer holds me
The way it did when
I promised nobody else
Could hold me like
You did

What a stupid kid
I used to be
Believing that you
Could believe in 
The real me
The one with cavities
And sore feet who
Never remembers 
Her dreams

Maybe you did
You were a pretty
Stupid kid, too

Now this mess
Of uncollected debts
Dares to cover up
The light I struggle to
Sustain this late in
The game without
Playing the martyr

But a funeral pyre
Doesn’t suit the 
Prisoners’ daughter

No, no

I’ll be more
Than happy to
Lead the parade
And goodnight
I’ll say

Danger in tow
Swallow my pride
And believe that
There’s nothing there
For me
That my last name
Won’t change
That way

I’m better than that 
I’ll wish you well
And hope the hold 
On us dissipates 
In due time

Closure is a funny thing
That I rarely find
But I think tonight will call for it

Moon, bring me strength
Sun, bring me courage
Stars, be my guide

Those storm clouds roll in
With the winds of change
Tonight I let go of my shame

I gave up on
Being good a 
Long time ago

Kindness used
To flow from me like
A mountain spring
Who’s gentle mouth
Opened to a river of
Fragile understanding

Courage lined the
Banks like cat tails

I was a sunflower

Now I’m a seed
Planted in misery
Germinating through
Plague and purge
And preparing to grow

But into what?

As I age I find
This dark time 
Is a stomping grounds
For the rest of me
The best of me
The past tense pretense
That hasn’t passed the
Street test

Beyond that land
Of no return

I roam with a fierce
Forgiveness

For myself
For you.

I can’t hold it
In anymore