Package Received

I got a letter from
My beloved sister
Today from what
Feels to me now
Like the other
Side of the earth

The side on
Which I had always
Assumed I must
Belong

Now I’m trying
To convince myself
To email my teachers
And apologize for missing
A day of classes and 
Slow my body down
Enough that I can
Fall asleep before

The sun rises and
I want to be lying
Next to you

But you might
As well be as
Far away as my
Beautiful Lucy

And then there
Are the thoughts
Of the child I knew
Full well not to bear
And the weight of
The blood spilled 
And the ties cut
And the many moons
That have since passed
And the many still
To come before I can
Rightfully leave this place

Oh Lucy
My dearest love
I drew into a darkness
So deep even you
Could barely break
The silence in my head

The awful emptiness
Of the mote encircling
The screams within

I’m not in that
Place anymore
I don’t think I ever
Shall be again

And for now
This isn’t
The worst place
I could be

But I want to find
The sun and the sea
And the horses I miss
Every single fucking
Day I want to breathe
In and be alive again

Autumn will find
Me well enough
And ready for 
Sweaters and fallen
Leaves and winter will
Bring me finals and
Decisions to make

To what
To where
Will spring
Unfold

A love
A life I can
Believe in
A layer of myself
I hope to 

Blossom in

Oh, moon,
Find me tonight
Give me dreams
I can surrender to
Until I have to be
This piece of me
Again tomorrow

#purgecore

In the space between
The scattered scenes
Of atrophy and motionless decay
I demand to see the sycamores
They all remember so much more
Than accident and things I didn’t say

Burn the forest down then look around you
The ashes fall betwixt the breeze
And after all who’s there to call on
When all is lost and you can breathe

Why deny yourself the right
To permeate extremes
Separate from destination
Cure your own disease

Cavernous delays resounding
Awaken from this haze the brasses sounding for your day
The waiting’s over turning circles in your chest

So hit it running until the day you’re laid to rest

Eat Them

Over exerted
Hyper-extended
Thoughts of “too much”
Too many lock downs

Freedom returns
When control is
Not absent
Rather disdain is
Abolished

Forged anger is but
A tool for brain melting
Release neural impulses
If only for your own sake

Black light
Backtrack
Begin relaxed revision
Of exlax and extract
Get that shit out of your system

Be complex
Allow
Existence
Overwhelm yourself
With wisdom yet to be
Your only interests
Falling up distractions
Eminent never only
Fully present

Given flames to burn
Your emblem
Let yourself
Become an entrance

Words without
Etymology
Overtaking ideas
Of sympathy
Martyrs die believing
Anything

What is there to
Forgive yourself for
Believe in growth
Change is a metaphor
If there is a beginning
And an end to all things
Is there really an in between

Or do we fool
Ourselves into believing
An interim is fluctuation
What is time
What is temptation
What is contempt but
Irate contemplation

Live as an adversary
To those who wish to
Remain stagnant
Walking examples of
The atrophy that occurs
Under emptiness

I’ll tell you
What I think
If you can stand
To listen

Long enough for
My distorted thoughts
To make their
Perfect circle

I don’t have
The endless empathetic
Energy you used
To know

How could you
Stare me down and
Not believe you
Have to go

A Letter To Jordie A Few Weeks Back

You know I’ve
Never mentioned
That you
Could have pushed the truck
Back fifteen feet
And saved me about
Four thousand dollars
And half a year indentured
To it in food service here
In this empty little
Place full of empty

Little minds
Because I don’t
Think it’s worth
The wondering what you
Will refuse to say
And how much trouble
It supposedly won’t cause

It’s funny how you
Can write about me
With pointed words
They’re as tired as I am

You used to
Know me so well
Now I feel like
You barely scratch
The surface and don’t
Have time or space
To notice

It can’t be 
Easy to watch 
Someone you love
Become someone
Who lingers

You said you felt
Undervalued

Kid I can’t say much
More there
Didn’t you feel me
Pull away didn’t you
Notice me trying to
Draw in those paper
Thin lines hoping you’d
Give enough shits
Not to cross them
But knowing you didn’t
Listen to me use the

Word
Friend
Any more than
You did the last
Time I said it

I’m sorry I 
Kissed you that
Night I came back

My baby was dead
And the people I 
Trusted were gone
And my heart was 
Shattered and you kept
Pouring out some shit
About how sorry your 
Were and

I took the
Easy way

You felt undervalued
I felt like a china doll
In a pretty glass case
On display and pulled
Our for play time when
Somebody felt like
Brushing my hair behind
My ears or telling me how
Wonderful I was

But when the real shit happens
When things change
When laws are broken
When the skies open up
When it’s no longer a selfish thing
Back behind the window
Where distractions are translucent
And the pedestal you put me on
Is in no danger of toppling over

You didn’t have
To show up
In May
Or Days ago
I would have made
It somehow
I should have gone to
Cali when she called me
And said the horses
Were waiting

But I was stupid
And in pieces
And afraid

And I fucking came
To you
Arms and a heartbeat
Rather than
Step up step out wake myself
Up in a cold sweat
Scared to death
Of I don’t know exactly
What just yet

You didn’t have to
Throw me ultimatums
You didn’t have
To sleep upstairs
I didn’t have to stay
Knowing it wasn’t where
I needed to be
I didn’t have to take comfort
In the only person that
Needed me

I guess we’re both
Reasonably weak

Fuck these endless nights
Of hating myself for what
It turns out I wasn’t even
Strong enough to believe
What a disappointment
I turned out to be

It’s Fool Proof

I have lost that
So terribly poignant
Adolescent
Desire to read
Faces like books

I have other places
To outsource my
Precious energy

Thus
From now
On I shall simply
Eat your face
And digest your
Expressions

I Realized Tonight

My single
Greatest 
Victory to date

Is having 
Closed my eyes
And when
Upon opening them
Not lying
Next to you

Gracefully
Refused to accept
Defeat

Oh
The inhuman
Strength 
I will look back
On as

The community
College phase

Ever Joy

We wrote
Together
Into the wee
Hours of the

Morning
As the cool of
September begins
Its slow crawl over
The last days
Of summer

It lifted my 
Soul and your
Smile came
Out and even
My ever racing
Thoughts were
No weight heavy
Enough to take
Away the balance

Of a new
Song with
New waves and
Good vibrations
To spin through

Until next
Time,
Darling

Any night
Without you
Is never the
Same

Poetry Challenge day 1

Wonder about me
In your dreams when
Lilies bloom and
Laughter echoes
On the freshly painted
Walls of your mind

Damnit

Is it too good to
Be true that these
Bruised and battered
Shards of me could
Create something that
Glistens proudly in
The company of the 
Morning dew

Those lustful eyes
And that smile that
Could fill an entire room
Do they still hide in my
Sunken face could I still
Feel like I did when 18
Was a race to see just
How much of a fucking
Person I could honestly be

And even though I
Want to believe it as
Much as I want to think
Maybe it’s possible that you
Could be worth my time
And that something is different
That you could be there
When things fall apart
And my pathetic heart won’t
Be looking at you
Illegally blind

Is there another book to write
Or are they right
About you and me
I miss you every fucking
Day how could you have
Thrown me the fuck
Away and now you want
Me again you miss the
Warmth of my mouth
And the healing of the
Tiny glints of positivity within

But what happens when
You have to be bigger
Than yourself

Could you man up
And deserve more
Of me than anyone else
Because for some god
Forsaken reason that’s
What you have you sit
Inside me like gum in
My stomach like the way
Red stays on coals even
After the flames are gone
And the leftover smoke is black

When I tell Sarah
About you she listens
But her loyalties are clear
And she asks where were
You when I left home
And I was young and stupid
And terrified and terribly alone
Where were you when I was
Supposed to be safe
When we were supposed to
Be building a life and getting
A place where were you
When I cried myself to sleep
At night when my baby was
Gone and I was sorry and
Dead and defeated all at
One time where were you

Well at that point
You were in the very
Next fucking room

Cos won’t even listen
To the mention of you
Any more protective
As he is and swears
He’d knock you out
If he ever saw you again
He’s the one that had
To take care of me get 
Me drunk and make me laugh
Make me write hear me cry
Over the past two years
Every time you disappeared

I know I’m not a
Fucking saint you
Could bury me whole
For some of the ignorant
Shit I’ve pulled but I swear
I never had bad intentions
Only bad judgement and
A selfish heart

But I can’t be that
Person anymore
I have to be better than
Half assed connectivity
And being ok with sealed
Lips and locked doors
That wouldn’t open even
If the knock came at the
Right time there’s no
Reason or logic or rhyme
Scheme to explain it
I just have to change it

So I’m begging you
Please if I mean
Anything
Prove it
Don’t make me wonder
Have the patience to
Make me a treasure
Not just a tendency
A trademark trash marker
You throw out when
You can’t handle me
These words don’t change
What I’ve said only

Supplement 
The dangerous
Fear that brought me
Here to this basement cage
The tragedy of bearing
With acting my age

I just have to fucking
Feel again and it doesn’t
Have to be endless
It doesn’t have to be
Engulfing it doesn’t
Have to consume me
But it must fucking move me
I am one of a kind
I am more precious than
Any stone any kingdom
Any time day or night
Any moment in anyone’s life

I am more
Than a face and
A name and I deserve
The entire
Fucking
World

And I am tired
Of circus games

One day I’ll be in one
Maybe on areal silks
Maybe with fire
Maybe with horses even
Who knows

But I’m so goddamn
Special and I’m finally not
Afraid to say it and demand
It be recognized so don’t
Waste me whatever role
You want with me

Earn it
Please
Please
Please

Make me
Understand
I’m actually worth
Something to you
No matter what
You have to do

Just make my heart
Sacred and chase
After my soul
Let me be beautiful
Let me blossom
Let me be whole again
And be there to see it

These are
The things
My mind makes
Madness of
Tonight

These sad songs
Come on and
I remember how
Much of me was us

How many of my
Dreams were walking
Around with you
Getting into trouble

Knowing it was
Just a matter of
Time in the sadly
And secretly sane
Parts of my head
Like always
Until it was too much
And you cut me without
Even a courtesy callback

Shows how fit I
Never was for show biz
The idea of a courtesy
Callback even in metaphor
Is the most ridiculous
Thing I might have
Ever come up with

When did we stop
Being friends,
Darling?

Why is it
So easy to make
Myself believe
You could be different
And I could too
And life could go on
Without a hitch

Knowing when I start
To put those pictures
Together late at night
When I’m falling asleep
My eyes get a little wet
Because I barely know
You anymore

And that’s when I
Wonder if the love
I always knew would
Last forever
Might have lost its
Way between us

Peace Made

I fell asleep listening
To you talk last night
And the last thing
I heard was a stoic
Goodnight, Willow

At the moment
Before my phone
Died exhausted from
Our hours of conversation

So you didn’t hear
My goodnight
But I think it may
Have gotten to you
Through some open
Window in the universe
No one seems to remember
To lock those anymore

I wanted to thank you
For such a delightful
And riveting interaction
Like I told you
I don’t remember the
Last time someone sat
Up and exchanged ideas
With me into the earliest
Of morning hours

I mean there are
Late nights of course
But like that one
From philosophy to
Personal inventory
To the comedy of
The spit and shake
And bears on back decks
I enjoyed every minute

So thank you
For having a mind
Worth picking
And the patience
And endurance
To withstand the
Stormclouds of mine

I wonder
Who I seem
To be to those
That knew me well
Back when I knew
Myself

Perhaps
The stranger
Danger alarms
Go off

Or maybe
Nobody
Notices

I wish I could
Burn this away
And shirk off my
Sad smile with
A kiss to the sun

But alas
No lamp oil
Or white gas
Or Kevlar to
Light

I volunteer
As tribute

Sometimes I 
Write for ages
And then in
One terrible
Innocent moment
The words just
Disappear

I wish
You were
Next to me
In moments

Like

That

July Eighteenth

Three months ago
Today I put four
Misopropil tablets
In the spaces between
Gum and cheek
And proceeded
To bleed out the
Baby I wouldn’t
Have deserved

I’ve learned a lot
About myself in the
Months following
My abortion

My life has changed
Drastically since
That day

The woman that
Walked into planned
Parenthood {such
An interesting name
For such a place I’ve
Always thought}
On April 17th for
Those prescriptions
Is not the same one

That sits here
Removing the
Sutures I had to
Lace into my soul
As part upon part
Of me leaked into
The toilet in our
Apartment

I don’t live
There
Anymore

I moved back
In with my 
Mother

I’m applying
For part time work
In a little dirty suburb
Outside of Baltimore
I’m signed up for a
Semester of community
College and I have

My cat
Danger
One of her kittens
Edgar
And my beloved
Dog
Blue

I don’t go
Out much
But I don’t
Mind terribly

I wanted to
Kill myself for
A long time

I might consider
Myself agnostic

Somebody denying
Something is knowable

Who doubts that
A question has one
Correct answer or that
Something can be
Completely understood

Because I ask
Myself who I am
Every fucking day
And Although I am
The one that gets
To decide
If I’ve learned anything
This year it’s that

Not everything
Is knowable
And you have
To keep wondering